When I was a kid I remember seeing a comic strip (or was it a cartoon) where a caveman walks behind a cavewoman, cracks her in the back of the head with his club, and drags her off into his cave. Now by today’s standard that illustration would be viewed as offensive, unrealistic, crude, sexist, chauvinistic and possibly enough of a trigger that it might even send some people seeking the now ubiquitous “safe zone”. However, I strongly feel that somehow that image managed to surreptitiously slither its way into the subconscious of millions of men and ingrain itself in our collective worldwide DNA that men are not only supposed to be superior to women but even more importantly, must also always be the provider, the hunter, gatherer, and historically the source of everything that the family needs to survive, whether it’s against velociraptors or deciding between cable or DirectTV.
So what happens when by some twist of fate, cosmic irony or involuntary decision based on circumstances that the roles are reversed and you, the man, suddenly find yourself in the cave tending the fire, cleaning the cave, cooking the food and making sure the baby cave boys and girls are taken care of while your wife is the one out in the wild hunting the saber tooth tigers and wooly mammoths?
For many men, including myself, who have found themselves manning home and hearth rather than bringing home the proverbial bacon, this new reality is not one that they can easily embrace. Society’s standards and expectations regarding what roles each gender is expected to fill and the list of duties that each gender must execute are pressures that stay at home dads feel on a daily basis (or at least I do), and even though many of us try to maintain an even outward demeanor to the rest of the world, the emotional turmoil brought upon by no longer being the bread winner of the family is a real burden that gnaws at our emotional and mental landscape. And despite your significant other’s constant reassurance that it doesn’t bother them that the generic gender roles have been turned on it’s head, it’s not very long before you realize that shame, self-doubt and self loathing have rapidly become your new best friends. (Hell, sometimes you even start asking yourself if your wife is just giving your ego a verbal massage just to shut you up when you find yourself expressing and oft repeating the same “concerns” that you’ve told her countless of times before. Yes! I know, we’ve gone over this before, could you please give it a rest, I’ve had an 11 hour day which is half of what your work week consists of! She doesn’t actually say this, but this is what she’s actually telling me in the convoluted labyrinth that is my head). Add in any pre-existing mental conditions such as depression, OCD and anxiety and now you’ve got the perfect recipe for someone who becomes very skilled at mentally and emotionally torturing themselves on a daily basis.
So how do we overcome such obstacles? How do we adapt to our new responsibilities and duties that go against every fiber of the commercialized mainstream definition of what it means to be a man without losing our sense of self worth and value? How the hell did we even end up in this spot to begin with?
We’ll explore this and many other aspects of this reality in my next post. I invite you to join me as I take you on journey through the head and heart of this stay at home dad.
Until next time, take care and God bless!